A bit of randomness...

I always have some random thought or two going through my mind, my closest friends are usually the recipients of these with 3am voice notes hahaha. Anyway thought I could share a bit of what goes through my mind sometimes on here you know talk to the world and what not.

 

As an African girl/woman I lean towards monogamy simply because of the time and environment in which I was born into. Because had I been born during my grandmothers time I would without a shadow of a doubt be in a polygamous union, and my mother’s time I would probably be 70% leaning towards polygamy. For context monogamy for most African societies came with colonialism and Christianity and hence this thought. Where I am from there is provision for people who chose to do so, to legally marry under customary law to include polygamous unions.

 

I realised that cheating in relationships as a concept was exposed to me as a late teen/young adult, and as a mostly western concept because where I am from the older people around me simply said “he has taken on a new partner/wife or he has multiple women” in fact in my tribe we have a word for this which translates to “a man of many women”. I never heard the word he/she is cheating growing up. Even when the statement was made in English it was “so and so has another partner/partners/multiple partners” never “so and so is cheating on their partner”. If anything the word I heard thrown around a lot was the term “womaniser” which as a child I understood to mean a man who likes many women a little bit too much. I am speaking from my experience as a child who was eavesdropping consciously and subconsciously on grown folks conversations way too much.

 

And before you start yes the women too “took on a new partner/were women of many men”.  There’s an anecdote among my people that newly married men were traditionally taught to whistle when approaching their homesteads after a long spell away, so that their wife’s lover would get time to run away before the man of the home came through!

 

A lot of the stuff that Africans especially Anglophone Africans refer to as “morally” right are simply based on Victorian era morality rules and what not. Again thanks to the missionaries and colonialism.

 

As concerns polygamy I have seen western private school/ivy league school educated men with global careers marry multiple women. All this is to say that sometimes no amount of exposure, modernity or foreign religious ideologies can trump tradition or culture. The one that really reinforced this for me was a British private school educated, Swiss finishing school girl who ended up as someone’s third wife somewhere on the African continent. So if you are planning to marry someone for whom polygamy is traditional please find out their views on this beforehand, so you can make an informed decision if this is something you can tolerate or will be able to accommodate five, ten years down the line. I say this as someone who comes from a polygamous family background on both sides and has polygamous relatives in their 30s and 40s today, so no, it is not a preserve of the old nor is it a preserve of the rich because I have seen both lower income and well to do polygamous unions in this day and age.

 

Anyway at the end of the day “do you” if monogamy is for you that’s amazing, if polygamy is your thing that’s awesome, if you are team open relationships that’s cool too.

 

Is it strange that I do not care for proposals, engagement or wedding rings, a “modern city raised western ideology” exposed girl like me? My people traditionally did the whole “when can my people come and see your people” routine to signify an interest in marrying you. My introduction to proposals was movies, no one around me that I knew growing up had a proposal I do not remember hearing these conversations, I do not remember seeing any, I would have known as I hung around my older cousins who got married a lot growing up. So for me it does not bother me if someone doesn’t get down on one knee to ask me to marry them. As for rings apart from being a social construct (there is no legal or religious basis for a ring to validate a marriage ceremony) and marketing gimmick (Google DeBeers diamond engagement ring marketing campaign, you are welcome), this is simply because I am not a “ring girl” I never/hardly wear them as regular jewellery talk less of wedding or engagement it would be just a waste of money get me engagement earrings or something if you must. Those I will wear even to bed because that is how much of an earring girl I am, I absolutely love earrings and bracelets, rings and neckpieces not so much. I only wear a neckpiece if it completes the outfit because I usually feel like something is trying to choke me or crawling on my neck with neck pieces. Again African girl talking here rings are not part of my engagement or wedding tradition so I am good on that front.

 

I am also not a flower girlie I mean they are cute and nice to look at but if you must get me horticulture get me a plant, you know something along the lines of a cactus or an aloe vera plant you know something low maintenance because as much as I am a nurturer I am not exactly green thumbed like that like that😁 

 

Enough randomness for the day hope you all are doing well.

 

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